The Grass IS Greener On The Other Side

I am happy to report that I think we are starting to see some more small breakthroughs to round out the end of this Hib clearing. While he has been doing incredible at school, Jonah has been demonstrating extremely difficult behaviors at home for the past several weeks. I am happy to report that it has been 41 hours since his last break down.

I'm celebrating!

Jonah has been able to indicate to me on a few occasions over the past couple weeks when he is beginning to feel aggravated. He is answering my questions very promptly and politely. Example:
Me: "Jonah, do you want some milk."
Jonah: "No thank you, mommy."
He answered so promptly! No delay in response!! I only had to ask him one time!!! The regularity of his responses are increasing dramatically. Before, I would have asked this question several times, and then prompted a response after the 3rd time. His reading ability has picked up dramatically! Reading speed has increased, and he is now implementing phonics. He is starting to read signs out in public. He is sounding out words he would not have been able to sound out a week ago.


Lots of talking! Lots of expression! This morning he wanted to go out to the garden, and look at all our vegetables growing. He loves rubbing his fingers on our tomato plants, then holds them up to me and says "Here, mommy. Smell the tomato plant. Mmmm. It smells so yummy." As he rubs his belly in a circle.

Just the sweetest!

I'm feeling so much better as well over the last few days. My energy and motivation is slowly picking up; sensitivities and anxieties are diminishing. There were fleeting moments over the past few weeks when I thought I was autistic. It's like the fog is lifting from around us.

The promise of recovery is possible. I'm so grateful for how far he has come.

Grief & The Rantings Of A Woman Pissed Off At The World

CEASE Update... We are still on Hib. I've lost count of the number of weeks, and I don't feel like looking back on my notes. This has been a stressful clear for both of us over the past few weeks. We have finally moved up to 10M dosing and I think we will be finishing this clear by the end of the month. Fingers crossed.

I am ready to move onto a nice little break from CEASE. I think I will take 4 weeks off this summer, and really try to get a feel as to how his GF diet is benefitting him. We went into GF transition right around the same time we started the Hib clearing, and it's been hard to determine what is diet, and what is CEASE as far as the gains that he has made. I am hoping to refine our eating a little bit more. I've been researching all the diets that claim to be incredible for autism, and I'm not sure which path we will take yet.

I've been looking at GAPS for the past several months now. The before GAPS/after GAPS videos of autism kiddos online has definitely been compelling me. However, I joined an online GAPS group, which has probably been the best source of information. Concerns have been raised about the diet for me by GAPS dieters discussing issues like tooth decay or hair loss. Something about both of those potential side effects is an indicator that it might not be the best choice for Jonah. I think we will skip the GAPS train, although I do like the principles behind gut and psychology. We will likely continue to remove grains slowly, work on reducing sugar and eliminating casein for a bit to see how it goes. I am game to try it in hopes that it helps Jonah more. If it doesn't, at least I know. I don't think Jonah has a sensitivity to dairy, but then again I didn't think either of us had issues with gluten. We clearly did. I can still hear his sweet little plea "bread?" when we were going through yeast die-off. This kid didn't really like bread to begin with, but he asked for it constantly during die-off. I craved it constantly, so I understood immediately what he was going through.

As difficult as the behaviors with the Hib clear and DTaP before that have been, we have been seeing some tremendous gains. When he isn't aggravating, I've been catching these glimpses of a normal kid. Normal- as in nuero-typical. Speech, although still difficult to understand at times, has been sounding clearer. He's been super motivated for interaction with me via playing board games again, or tag. Every evening when he comes home from school, he reads 5 books for 10 chocolate chips. He's been drawing and demonstrating imaginative play. He loves to help make his lunches and is showing more signs of independence. He is generous, sweet, and compassionate. I get this peak of gestures and expressions that look and sound like things a normal kid will do. It lasts for just a few seconds.

And then he gets a maniacal look in his eye just before he giggles, darts and lunges toward the kitchen counter in hopes of grabbing the glass of water next to the sink and hurtling it across the room.

And then, I get PISSED OFF at the world. The world as comprised of a closed-minded subset of people that makes up the majority of the American culture. The people that follow doctors orders and eat nothing but Special K for breakfast because they are on a diet. The people that have a prescription for EVERYTHING. The women who drive luxury cars and carry designer purses, but are concerned about the price of organic foods. I could go on. This is the mindset that I was a part of and I hate it. I resent it. This is the life that brought me to where I am today as a mother. This is the lifestyle that robbed Jonah of a normal childhood. This is the commercialized, processed, over-prescribed, standard-American-B.S. that has robbed (and will continue to rob) countless children of a normal life.

I get so PISSED that my child has to go through this. That my child is sick. That my child was sick and I didn't even know it. 

"It's just kids being sick." 

"It's just eczema." 

"Kids are picky eaters." (He wasn't picky. He just wouldn't eat. He wouldn't eat ANY-F-ING-THING!)

"Kids get colds all the time."

"Some kids don't grow much between 2 and 3 years of age." (2 lbs?! That's it? Is that normal? Sure didn't seem normal, but why didn't I question it!?)

I was so stupid. How could I have been so stupid? The whole reason I chose our previous pediatrician was because of this as follows... I asked him about the concerns regarding mercury in vaccines. At the time, I didn't know much about it, and had only seen and read small little blips about it in the mainstream media (which really means that even though I was asking about it, I had no idea what I was asking about). He reassured me that vaccines were safe, and that they had low-dose thimerasol vaccinations on-hand. Well, that sold me. 

At one of his vaccine appointments, the nurse complained that I chose to go with the low-dose thimerasol vaccines because it required 5 injections instead of the 3. I actually rolled my eyes over at my friend who had accompanied us on the visit and responded "Well, it's better than risking my child develops autism." 

I was so fucking stupid. 

To Those Beginning

I'm curious to know how many of you reading are parents of children with autism? Im curious to know if some of you are here because you are using CEASE Therapy, or looking in to CEASE Therapy? Or considering another alternative therapy for autism?

I realize now that I started this blog and CEASE not really knowing what I was getting myself into, which set us into motion on an evolving path. I did months of reading and research in preparation for starting CEASE. I prepared a ridiculously thorough account of all our emotional and physical injuries that could possibly have attributed to my child's condition for our new HP. I had a list of questions prepared. Essentially, I had my feet in the water for months before I decided to dive in to the pool. 

I am still learning. 

To round out Autism Awareness Month, I want to address those of you that have come here because you are considering CEASE, maybe you just started, or you are looking for something and you don't know what it is. Here's what I have to say to you, from my heart...

This shit is hard. This may be the hardest thing you have or will ever have done. When I say 'shit', I mean any recovery therapy in general. Not only is it hard, but it's scary. It's scary to let go of every thing conventional that you thought you knew. It's scary to learn how toxic our environment is. It's scary to learn just how compromised our children are. It's simply going to be the hardest and scariest shit you may ever do in your life... next to fighting in a war. 

But, this is a different kind of war. This is a war against our environment. Our government doesn't seem to care or understand what could be intoxicating us to the point that our children are growing up in an environment that has literally scrambled their brains.  The autism community is significantly split between those that still believe autism is only psychological, and others like me who believe autism is a medical condition that can be treated by restoring the natural balance of our children's bodies. And, then there is the general public, who really have NO CLUE what is happening to our children. I ended up here writing this, because I was once one of those people who had NO CLUE.

It's been right around a year and a half since we started CEASE. From what I can tell, with 3 vaccines nearly down, we are about half way there with no determined end in sight. There have been ups and there have been downs.  The downs are really bad. I know I've moped on this blog about it enough. I struggle through each clearing with Jonah. It effects me. His moods effect me. When he is aggravating during a clear, expressing physical, emotional and mental distress, it makes me feel sick and depressed. While I am trying to handle his rage, and remaining patient myself, and working through the explosive tantrums, and balancing discipline, and making sure he doesn't do anything that could be dangerous to himself, I feel sick. I can only imagine how he is feeling if I feel as crappy as I do. Trying to figure out what is causing the aggravations, trying to help the aggravations, trying to calm and soothe and maintain a structured environment at home and in the outside world that is supportive to him is a constant job. 

I'll also give you fair warning, nothing is scarier than the fevers, rashes, and other physical symptoms that can occur. Conventional wisdom would have you just give tylenol, advil, benadryl, or put a steroid cream on it. But... not on CEASE. On CEASE, you are supposed to ride it out, and be ready to jump if something is significantly wrong. You will be on pins and needles the entire time because of fear that the physical signs could be an indication of something worse, so you will want to make sure you are working with a CEASE practitioner that you can rely on and trust. Of course there are natural and homeopathic remedies that can be used to help ease these physical signs, but it's scary not to do what you have always thought was okay to do. 

For us, physical aggravations have mainly been rashes, which have subsided after completing the DTaP clearing. Not before he was sent home from school last year because they suspected it was impetigo. He is still feeling itchy, but his skin doesn't rip like lace the second he scratches it anymore. I've actually noticed that his complexion seems a bit darker, although I don't have an explanation for that. Jonah has always been super fair. We refer to his complexion as translucent since you can see his veins. I know in homeopathy, this is silica, but we have not treated it with a silica remedy. Since removing gluten from his diet and starting the Hib clearing, the veins seem less noticeable on parts of his body. He could also just be getting tan.

On the positive side of CEASE, there are the moments that make it all worth it. The gains that have developed for us with CEASE are slow and consistent. The gains emerge gradually, until suddenly you notice that your child is bonding with peers and sharing stories with you about his/her day. Suddenly, they are playing with toys appropriately, using imagination. Suddenly, they are able to tell you they love you unprompted. If I only ever heard that one time, it would make it all worth it. Luckily Jonah says it frequently now, but there are parents out there who have never been able to hug their children, or kiss their children, or expect to hear 'I love you' because of autism. 

There is more to CEASE than just homeopathy. You will need to clean house, removing all those elements that could possibly cause risk for exposure to environmental toxins such as beauty products, cleaning products, and plastics. You will need to clean up the diet and throw out the microwave. You will need to be careful to think about how everything could impact your child's development, which will make you slightly paranoid and neurotic (like me). You will be forced to learn about all the garbage we are exposed to on a daily and consistent basis from the air we breath, to the water we drink, to the food we eat. This is a new level of self-concsiousness.

Here is where I am in my evolving thoughts regarding autism. I liken the debate on autism to a game of 'Pin the Tale on the Donkey.' Everyone wants to stick their pin on it in just one place, and say that it's right. "It's the MMR shot!" or "It's vaccines." or "It's Antibiotics."or "My child was chosen to be special by God." In the mean time, no one has taken a step back and looked at the entire jack-ass system. The toxic load that has become a physical burden to those becoming parents transfers from the parents to the child. Our children inherit their toxic load from us. As this toxic load continues to build generationally, we will continue to see these health deficiencies increase. The rate of increase over the past few decades is just the starting point, as demonstrated by the rapid increases in prevalence that we have seen just in the last 5 years. I find this similar scenario more and more in my reading and research, and it just makes sense to me.

If the rate of autism and developmental disabilities in our children isn't enough to convince a person that a sickness is consuming us as a culture, perhaps we should consider some other health issues that have been increasing. Let's take a look at Alzheimer's and other dementias. I liken it to autism for the elderly. Not only is prevalence increasing at a rapid rate, with younger on-set, but according to conventional medicine, there is also no known reason why there has been such an increase. Did you know that Alzheimer's mortality rates have risen 68% in a decade? Did you know that 1 in 3 Americans will die from this? 

Our children are literally losing their minds, and our elderly are losing their minds. See a trend? What happens to the body when it gets old? It's less likely to detoxify substances that have accumulated over time, thus building to a level of toxicity that causes neurological damage to the brain. This is very similar to what happens to our children, because their tiny bodies are not always best prepared to handle the toxicity we subject them to. It's overload. The vaccines, antibiotics, prescription medications, GMO seeds, processed foods, fluoride and chlorine in the water, hormone disruptors in our make-up, carcinogens in our lotions, etc. are all just a catalyst that sets it off.  

After being a witness to perseverating for the past few weeks at a grand scale, I can tell you the behavior pattern is very similar to behaviors that are often demonstrated in Alzheimer's patients. Jonah has been obsessed with past events (mostly 'bad choices') trying to replicate them while in a tantrum. I call it a tantrum, but it's really those moments that my child becomes removed from himself, and starts making irrational choices because he can't help it. He knows better than to throw glass jars, but he can't help laughing about it, talking about it, and going so far as to try it again. He talks about these things constantly. He says the same thing over and over again, and when I try to ignore it, he has repeated it countless times and is now screaming that line at me until he is acknowledged. What likens Jonah's perseverating behavior to Alzheimer's for me, is the level of recall. He doesn't focus on things that happened yesterday. When I question him about yesterday, he will answer my question with a list of 'bad choices' he made 18 months ago. It's like he is mentally stuck in that time frame for moment. I've seen this similar behavior in the couple people with Alzheimer's that I have known.

There is an overall decline in health, despite every medical advancement in research that has been achieved. People are getting sicker, with rarer illnesses become more prevalent. While England is in an uproar over the measles outbreak and attributing it to a higher rate of unvaccinated children, personally, I think they should be worried about the illnesses that are actually shortening life expectancies at much higher rates. I read recently that autistic children have 1/2 the life expectancy of a nuero-typical child. To that I say "Over my dead body".

I know CEASE won't work for everyone, but CEASE has been amazing for us. Just this weekend, Jonah demonstrated several gains, from imaginative play and new expressions. He actually asked my sister if she was excited to go to the baseball game today. I know that doesn't sound like much to some, but for us, it is huge. He has never asked anyone anything like that I know of. He has never told me he was pretending to make a soup with his bath toys before this weekend either. He has never spent hours drawing at our kitchen table like he did this weekend, creating little word monsters by writing out the words he knows and drawing little faces on them. These are the cute, normal things that a kid his age should be doing, that he hasn't been able to do. Now he can in part because of CEASE. 

When we started CEASE, I knew no one else like me.  There were people out there, but they weren't in the autism community I was previously a part of. You know, that conventional medicine community that just gives you a diagnosis and points you toward the door. On the other side of that door are the parents who look at you with shame because you can't just accept your child's condition. This is the older generation of autism parents. Now, there is a younger, newer, rebellious generation of autism parents searching for answers. If autism was cancer, would you just accept it or go down fighting for your child's life?  

CEASE has really only just begun to emerge, and there are more families trying it. There are support groups, filled with parents who are willing to try anything, fighting tooth and nail to save their children. While some of them have moved on from CEASE, there are other methods of therapy that they are finding effective. The resources that are developing are endless. The one thing that we see working that these alternative therapies all have in common... restoring a natural balance to the body. 

I'm not a doctor, nor a scientist, nor a practitioner of any kind, so I can't tell you what to do here. Instead, I share with you my opinions that have been formed from extensive research and I hope they lead you on your way to searching for answers. Make sure you ask questions in your search. And once you have completed your search for answers, keep searching for answers. 

Most of all, follow your heart. 

Fishy Fish

With the US FDA closing public comments on GMO Salmon tomorrow, I thought I would take the opportunity to share this documentary with you.

www.salmonconfidential.ca

The documentary raises some very serious concerns about what farmed salmon is doing to the ecosystem in Canada, and putting sick and contaminated fish in our food supply. This is just a glimpse of the broader problem that will very likely develop if we approve GMO salmon for production.

I urge you to start paying attention to what you are eating. I urge you to start caring about what you are eating. I urge you to start doing something about it.

http://action.greenamerica.org/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=10106

I'm going to be redundant here to make my point. Over the past 2 years I've done a ton of research on diets, conventional medicine, alternative medicine, and health in general. I would like to say that it was prompted by Jonah's autism, but it started with sustainability. I developed a passion for sustainability when I was working on my interior design degree, which covered sustainability in the built environment. This led me to want to understand sustainable lifestyles. You can have the greenest LEED Platinum Certified building on the planet, but it won't do much for you if you don't know how to use it.

I work with a variety of professionals and know a variety of people who think that they are desperately considerate of the environment. For most people, what you think is healthy for the environment is not. In the long run, it's even worse for your health and the health of your loved ones. All of it starts with food.

What I have determined is that in the end, it all comes down to quality of life. We can not sustain a quality of life for ourselves or our children in the current state of the environment that we are in. I always point out to my clients that we only need 3 things to survive.

1. Clean Air To Breath
2. Clean Water To Drink
3. Clean Food To Eat

As these 3 things become increasingly less sustainable, so does our quality of life.

The more people that are aware, the more people that will help to create change. Autism and developmental disorders in our children are just one side effect of the increasingly unsustainable environment. The biggest thing you can do to create change is think about what you are eating and know everything you possibly can about what you are eating. If you know more about fish farming in general and the potential of GMO Salmon, you aren't going to want to eat it.

Awareness Month

As a follow up to my last post, I should say that the aggravations we were experiencing have passed for the most part. Jonah has been doing exceptionally well for the past week and a half. There have been just a handful of tantrums, but they are gradually getting much more manageable. His demeanor overall has improved dramatically and he has been exceptionally happy and lovable.

I've been working on a blog post for Autism Awareness Month. I wanted to share what I felt about the public perception of autism with those of you who read this blog. However, I feel the events of this past weekend more relevant to what I am facing as the parent of an autistic child in recovery therapy, and the problems we face as a society in relation to autism. So, the other post will have to wait.

We received tickets to the Padre's baseball games Saturday and Sunday as a gift from a dear friend. I decided that I would take Jonah on the trolley for the Saturday night game. This was a brave step on my part, but I felt that his behaviors had calmed enough that it should be manageable. Plus, Jonah was very motivated and excited to ride the trolley. (I shamefully admit that I have not taken him on the trolley, but it is something I would like to do more with him. I've been hesitant to do so in the past because the trolley scares me a bit. I've heard horror stories about people who were beat to crap while other trolley riders looked past it. Shocking, right?!)

Back on topic... Jonah was super excited to ride the trolley. See...

And posing with his "Cute Little Baby Green Bear"...

Getting downtown, and all activities prior to the game starting went flawlessly. When I told Jonah we were going to the baseball game a few days before, he immediately requested cotton candy. I was so impressed that he remembered and asked for it instantly, of course I said yes. I know this stuff is bad for you, but I believe that you have to allow for little treats here and there. Plus, watching him eat cotton candy is the highlight of every baseball game I've ever been to with him.

He did end up having a difficult tantrum around the 6th inning. He was definitely over stimulated, and I'm sure the sugar didn't help. He wanted to start throwing objects, particularly a cup with ice leftover from a beverage. I ended up wrestling him in the stands for about 5 minutes while every one kept glancing over to see. He was trying to hit and scratch, and bang his head on concrete, all in an attempt to get a free hand and fling that cup with ice into the crowd in front of us. The guys that were sitting next to us needed to exit the stands, and I apologized to them, explaining that he is autistic and having a tantrum. This announcement seemed to ease the crowd. 

I decided it was time to leave once he had calmed down. When we got to the trolley stop, most people were leaving the game early too. There was a group of rowdy guys that were heavily intoxicated. I'll just go ahead and say it bluntly. They were drunk and they were Marines. If it sounds like I am suggesting that a drunk Marine is worse than a normal drunk person, then that is exactly what I am suggesting. It's shameful that a select few can generate such a disgraceful opinion on my behalf of drunk Marines in general, but they would exceed my preconceived social expectations of how drunk Marines behave.

I took Jonah past them, and he sat patiently and waited on the bench for the trolley to arrive. We were lucky to get seats. Once the trolley arrived, I snagged a seat next to a sweet young woman who was very complimentary of Jonah's cuteness, and Jonah snagged the seat across from us next to her friend. The trolley was crowded, lots of people standing. The doors were closed, and then they opened, and the drunk Marines came crowding in. 

They were excessively loud, demonstrated all ranges of profanity, pushing each other, making everyone else on the trolley uncomfortable. There were children right next to them, and they would not let up on the vulgarity. The family that was standing next to them started to urge their kids to move toward the back of the trolley when three of the guys started wrestling and pushing in our direction toward Jonah. I immediately went into protective mode, and said "Excuse me. My son is autistic, and I would appreciate it if he was not subjected to your behavior at this time."

They stopped quietly. People around us started nodding at me in approval. The father of the family that was next to us mouthed "Thank You." 

And then I heard the guys chuckling and saying something about autism. The guy sitting next to Jonah started shaking his head and getting upset. I asked him, "Did I just hear him say something about autism?" 

He nodded yes and said "I'm about to say something." 

I put my hand up and asked the guys "Do you have something to say about autism?" 

Busting out into a loud group chuckle, one guy turned to me and said while laughing "I just don't understand what your kid being autistic has to do with anything."

Now, I could see the trolley passengers getting uncomfortable again at the thought of the confrontation that was about to unfold. Steam was literally coming out of my ears. I said "It's because he is disabled, and I don't want your behavior to harm or upset him." 

They stayed quiet after that, and the girl next to me reassured me that I did the right thing. She told me that the group of Marines sat next to her and her family on the trolley to the game. She told me the guy that made the insensitive comment had shared with them that he had a 6 month old daughter, and we both agreed that he was an asshole for acting like this while drunk in public. After a few stops, I noticed that the group of guys had left. In fact most people had. And then suddenly, they came back on. 

They sat down and were fine. The one guy even smiled and nodded at me. I smiled back to be polite. We were only two stops from home when I heard the group of guys chuckling, and one of them again saying "autistic"with a slow slur. I put my head back and waited a moment to see if I would hear it again. He said it again, and they started laughing again. 

I said very loudly "1 in 50! That's how many kids are estimated to have autism right now. There will be more children diagnosed with autism this year than any other illness combined. You guys think it's cool to sit there and act like a bunch of drunk assholes, but it might serve you to know a little about what is happening to our children." I turned to the guy with the 6th month old daughter, and said "You should know that there is no known cause for autism. You should learn more about these issues so you can keep your daughter healthy and safe, instead of acting like a drunk asshole." 

He was pissed. His buddy had to stand up and block him to keep from coming back toward us. "You don't talk about my daughter. Keep my daughter out of your mouth. I swear to God..."

I came back "I'm only advising you to keep her safe and healthy, unlike the way you are mocking me and talking about my son." 

I wanted to ask them who their CO was. Like they would have told me. 

I didn't want to let the bad end to the evening spoil the fun we had already had the rest of the day, especially since we had to go back to another baseball game in the morning. Back to back baseball games are exhausting, but my sister and her beloved were able to join us for the game. Jonah was excited and in an excellent mood. We had a great Sunday morning, and he had already finished another cotton candy when we set out on a hunt for a gluten free hot dog. 

As we came down an escalator, Jonah recognized a water wall/fountain that he ran to see. He was so excited, saying "Wow. Look it. That's awesome." I agreed with him and let him know that we would need to go in one minute. Then he said "Okay. Mommy, I want to take a picture. Give me the phone, please."

My jaw dropped. I hurried to get the phone in disbelief of what I had heard him say. When I handed him the phone, he steadied the camera and snapped this image...

 Then, I asked him if he wanted me to take a picture of him sitting in front of the fountain, and he said very happily "Okay. Yes please!" and sat down and posed. He hasn't posed like this for me in years.

I gave him the phone and asked him if he wanted to see it, and he looked and said "Oh so cute. Now Mommy, it's your turn. Sit." So I sat, and he held up the phone, said "Say cheese" and took this...

I was on the verge of tears. I could not believe what he had just been able to communicate with me. To think that was not possible a year and a half ago when we started CEASE. It was not possible last month even. Amazing. I want to cry writing it. It's just so exciting. Not to mention, one of the best photos taken of me in a long time. 

The experiences of this past weekend are why I work so hard for Jonah. These are the reasons why we need to raise awareness for autism. The encounter on Saturday is just evidence to the insensitivity that exists in our society regarding autism. Of course the group of Marines were mocking me, because they didn't understand that my concern was preventing Jonah from getting hurt or upset by their rowdiness and perhaps melting down with another tantrum. How are they supposed to understand autistic sensitivities? The public is not prepared for the challenges that this generation of children will face. And, how are we supposed to prepare our autistic children for what general society has to offer them? How are we suppose to teach them to protect themselves, let alone their best interests? And our government certainly isn't doing enough at this point because the rate of diagnosis keeps climbing up.  This is why we need autism awareness. 

We need more awareness for what is working. Things like CEASE therapy, diets, bio meds, etc. Without CEASE therapy, I don't believe the last three pictures of happiness in this post would have been possible. So, I'll keep fighting because those are the moments that make it all worth it. Increased awareness brings hope.  Jonah is my hope. He's happy and making amazing progress right now. This is why we need autism awareness. 

What are you doing for autism awareness? Write your local representative. Share your own story. Share this blog. BE a voice for our children.

Difficult Times

This past week has been difficult. Jonah is demonstrating major regressive behaviors at home. The very difficult silly tantrums have returned... Laughing hysterically or shrieking with anger all while throwing things, hitting, kicking, knocking over furniture, punching, spitting, scratching, trying to throw glass jars and drinking glasses, putting garbage in his mouth, hitting himself. Tonight as he took his bath, I caught him drinking his bath water, which he hasn't done in months. He knows it's bad for him. And as he was getting out of the tub, he thought it would be funny to pee on the floor. The Hib clear is proving to be challenging and exhausting for both of us.

He is remembering things from months ago, specifically all the bad choices that he made then. He talks about them constantly. CONSTANTLY! "Remember when Jonah made bad choices throwing glasses with Grandpa Bob and Grandma Pam? Yah. Jonah breaking glasses. Remember Jonah throwing lotion all over the old house. Yah. Mommy have to clean it up." This is an event he talks about constantly. I hear him say that exactly at least 150 times a day right now for the past 7 days.

It's driving me crazy. To think there was once a point when I had dreamed of him talking so much, and I couldn't have dreamed it could be this annoying. It's actually pretty comical when I think about the incident he is referring to. My dad and step-mom came to visit us from Minnesota for Jonah's 6th birthday. We were all able to go to Disneyland together, which is another memory Jonah is sharing. Tonight he asked to "Go ride pirates with Grandpa Bob again?" It's actually so incredible that he is able to express such affection. He really has made amazing progress.

Back to the incident Jonah keeps talking about... On the 4th and final day of their trip, I left Jonah alone with my dad and Pam for the first time while I ran to Trader Joe's for about 45 minutes. I was on my way home, a block from the house when my dad called to see how long it would be until I got back. My heart dropped. I asked my dad "What did he do?"

My dad said "He was good the whole time until about 10 minutes ago. Then all of sudden he came into the kitchen and just picked up a glass and threw it on the ground. So I sent him to your room so he wouldn't get hurt while we cleaned up the glass. Then he got a hold of some lotion and he has it all over your bedroom."

When I ran into the house, I could hear Jonah laughing in the bedroom. I went in to find him still flinging the bottle at the wall, the lid off, and small globs splattering out of the bottle onto the wall. It was everywhere. I mean, on the walls, the windows, the floor, the blinds, the closet doors, the clothes in the closet, the blankets, the bed, the furniture, the ceiling, the pillows, inside my dresser drawers kind of EVERYWHERE. I went into the kitchen and poor Grandpa Bob and Grandma Pam seemed pretty frazzled. Of course, this weekend was their first glimpse of autism.

When Jonah isn't aggravating, he is the sweetest, cuddliest, cutest little guy. He's funny and charming, and I just want to smooch his cheeks constantly. One of his favorite things is to play cuddle, where we snuggle in blankets and mostly I tickle him. He has got to be the best kid to tickle. He is hands down the most amazing person.

When he is aggravating, it's enough to make me question my entire existence. Am I doing the right thing? Am I a bad mother? I find myself feeling lonely because no one in our lives really seems to understand the depth of what we are going through. We are alienated from the public and friends because I can't always predict his behavior and constantly consider our dietary restrictions. I have a handful of friends left, and go figure they are the ones that have been around the longest. Of course, they all also live very far away, and I start feeling sorry for myself.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. If I say that I am a single mother with an autistic child, people look at me with pity, which I hate. I don't say it so people will feel sorry for me or for us. I say it because it defines my strength and my character. When I am feeling sorry for myself, I have to stop and remind myself that I am doing something that not many people could do. I am raising a child on my own, under difficult circumstances, with few resources for outside support, and I am recovering my son from autism.

Not many people can say that they ever did something so big.

Why

Totally awesome development in conversational speech over the last few days. Just a one word statement that Jonah has never used before. "Why?" He's been asking "WHY"! 

Amazing how one little word has seemingly changed everything.